2018 is upon us but I would like to take a look back on 2017 and point out some under-reported news that you may not have seen on CNN, MSNBC or even FOX News. As always, I only use unnamed ‘trusted’ sources from an unnamed ‘trusted’ news gathering organization or I just make stuff up. Either way, I report you decide.
January 20th – Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States.
January 21st – In response to President Trump’s inauguration Women’s Marches were held world-wide in protest. While many news organizations did show video of the protests world-wide they neglected to show the humanitarian side of President Trump. In response to the marching women Trump ordered bread and lunch meats delivered to every protest site so that the unhappy marchers could still provide their husbands with freshly made sandwiches while these women were wasting their time protesting.
February 11th – North Korean dwarf dictator Kim Jong-Un declares war on the Sea of Japan by firing missiles into the heart of that sea. Kim declares victory and celebrates by eating a McDonald’s filet-o-fish happy meal and spending an afternoon playing in the McDonald’s play-land.
March 10th – The United Nations warns that the world has a humanitarian problem and in response orders SPAM delivered to all countries facing food shortages. Unfortunately being a pork product, Middle Eastern countries refuse the shipments and immediately declare the SPAM to be an American plot to destroy Islam.
April 13th – The United States Air Force drops the GBU-43/B MOAB on an ISIS base in Afghanistan. The bomb is the largest non-nuclear weapon in America’s arsenal. The only response from the ISIS commander at that base was “What the hell was that?”. Communication has yet to be re-established.
May 12th – Computers world-wide are infected with a ransom-ware cyber attack. Hardest hit is Great Britain’s socialized medicine facilities. In response the Prime Minister admits the socialized computers in England should have been better prepared. She orders all hospitals to upgrade immediately from Windows 3.1 to Windows Millenium.
June 1st – President Trump announces his decision to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement. In response Al Gore goes into hiding somewhere in the Arctic and Bill Nye the Idiot Science Guy announces plans to travel around the world in a weather balloon.
July 4th – Russia and China urge North Korea to meet representatives of the Sea of Japan in Paris for peace talks. Apparently Aqua Man is getting tired of dodging Kim’s missiles. Kim however is still angry at the Sea since he was refused entry to a water park because he was too short to ride the log flume.
August 17th – The first observation of a collision of two neutron stars is hailed as a breakthrough in astronomy. Shortly after seeing the video evidence, GEICO announces a new ad campaign to provide neutron star insurance at price saving rates.
September 3rd – North Korea conducts its most powerful nuclear test yet. The underground explosion immediately causes a large sinkhole to form exposing Kim Jong-Un’s hidden stash of Twinkies.
October 25th – The Communist Party of China elects new government officials, Moo-Goo Gai Pan is named Supreme Reader and Kung-Pow Biff is named assistant Supreme Reader.
November 15th – A Leonardo Da Vinci painting sells for 450 million dollars. It becomes the highest price ever paid for Leonardo’s earliest paintings which were actually the first known paint by numbers art work ever created.
December 5th – Russia’s 2018 olympic team is banned from the Winter Olympics in South Korea because of doping allegations. The Russian team raised suspicion when the Russian women’s teams showed up at the urine testing with full beards.
That’s my 2017 Year End Review. Hope your 2018 brings many memorable memories for you. Till next time bye,bye……………………………………………………