Cranky Chronicles News……

Attempting to inform my readers by scouring the internet for stories and issues that can make a sane person say “What the &%*#”.

Saturday morning all was well in Hawaii, all of a sudden people receive an alert on their cellphones warning them of a ballistic missile headed their way. Panic ensues, hysteria appears and then 38 minutes later another message is sent informing everyone that the first message was a mistake. YIKES!!! Some mistake. The press and conspiracy theorists go on the hunt for the real story and this serious situation turns into a farce.

Conspiracy theorists say a missile from North Korea was launched and the U.S. military shot it down but kept the whole incident quiet so no-one would be alarmed. My opinion is people were already alarmed keeping the incident quiet would serve no real purpose.

Conspiracy theory number two, Hawaii being a Democrat run liberal island planned this event to make President Trump look bad. Obviously the Civil Defense system in Hawaii needs work, if Trump hadn’t made the dwarf dictator in North Korea mad this event wouldn’t have happened. Of course the Democrat ‘leadership’ in Hawaii can fix the emergency warning system is they had access to an unlimited supply of Federal money. One thing politician’s love is tax money and Democrats love it more than most. I can probably believe this theory more than the first one. We will have to see and hear the follow-up as Hawaiian officials investigate and enact corrective measures.

Now, your humble correspondent will venture his guess as to the real cause of this serious incident. The head of the emergency management team who oversees the missile warning system appeared on TV and stated ‘human error’ was the official cause of the whole terrifying situation. Apparently instead of a test warning button someone pressed the real warning button. OOPS!!! Unnamed sources who don’t really exist in all probability were over-heard stating that they informed their boss that hiring his brother-in-law’s son was not a good idea. Hey its a theory and I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t report it.

In other ‘news’ from the internet universe. How about that YouTube ‘star’ Marc Pagan? “Hey guy I never heard of him” Well let me inform you about this moron. Now I don’t recognize his particular brand of stupid but I do admire his dedication to it. Marc was bored and decided to film himself eating a TIDE detergent pod. Now he was smart enough to rinse his mouth out after a few bites but unfortunately teenage viewers of his YouTube post have become seriously ill reenacting his stunt. People have become concerned enough that pressure has been placed on TIDE to provide a warning label stating the pods shouldn’t be eaten.  Oh Boy, another warning label to prevent obvious idiots from doing idiotic stuff. Not my first choice but I guess OK. How about taking the idiot’s YouTube video down permanently and banning him from further use say, forever. Might also be a good idea to find a criminal charge to hang on the moron. Just my opinion.

In news that can only be described as the ‘crime of the century’, a ‘gentleman’ from Florida was stopped by security when leaving an IGA supermarket. A bulge in his pants led to the suspicion he might have been a shoplifter. Sure enough, the bulge was found to be the product of a full pack of ribs. Believing in dining diversity or maybe he was just plain hungry he was also found to be hiding 9 pieces of fried chicken, 2 packs of hamburger rolls and some mashed potatoes. Huh, hamburger rolls but no burgers? What a maroon. I hope a female security guard caught this guy. It would be great to find out if she asked him “are you shop-lifting or just real glad to see me?”. I also hope IGA didn’t place the items back in the rack for re-sale, that would be gross.

The commie loving mayor of New York city is wasting time and money in the hope that he can extort money from oil companies. Bill ‘The Marxist’ DeBlasio has ordered a lawsuit filing against major oil companies to recoup money the city spent recovering from hurricane Sandy. Mayor Bill believes the oil companies are to blame because they contribute to the effects of climate change. Ho Boy, will Democrats get over themselves PLEASE? Global warming is a con job meant to punish private companies and poor people. It’s about money and control, that’s it!!! Hopefully a judge with common sense sees this lawsuit for what it truly is, which is an extortion attempt. Funny how commie’s like DeBlasio and Bernie Sanders are considered as serious political representatives in a capitalist country like America. Actually not so funny I guess, just sad and pathetic.

Super spy Richard Melville Hall apparently has 100% accurate proof of Trump’s collusion with Russia. He came into possession of this evidence because of his extensive social media presence. Did I say super-spy? Sorry, this veganist, progressive dope is actually a DJ named Moby. Let me get this straight just for the practice. After millions of dollars of Federal money was spent on investigations into collusion with no evidence found this ‘musician’ claims he has the evidence. My opinion is this fool is just another progressive who never got over the election loss last year and can’t stop crying and whining.

Alrighty then that’s a wrap for today. Commentary and sarcasm were added to enhance the stories as reported. Till next time……………….

 

 

 

 

 

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