My editorial board made a decision to let CNN, MSNBC, FOX and other lesser known cable news outlets handle all the political news while the Cranky Chronicles concentrated on real news that our readers could use.
Canada recently committed an act of war against the United States in Easton, Md. Apparently a squadron of Canadian geese were engaged in a spying mission over the town of Easton and some Maryland hunters who suspected they might be carpet ‘bombed’ by these fowl opened fire with their shotguns. Much to the surprise of one of the hunters these Canadian geese were actually trained in kamikaze tactics because one of the downed geese plummeted directly into the hunting party injuring one of the hunters. When interviewed by news organizations the hunters said they had never encountered such violent geese before and they suspected that Canadian Special Forces might be training these geese for future missions. They warned Americans to stay vigilant and make sure to have a shotgun handy just in case.
The National Toxicology Program recently ended a ten-year, $25 million dollar study that found cell phones cause tumors in rats. This news could be devastating to major cell phone providers in America and around the world. As a matter of fact the Flox Business News channel reported Appel stock is down because they were getting ready to invest in a major marketing initiative designed to sell iPhonies to rodents. Luckily the money had not been spent yet and might be reinvested on other projects. The NTP will now launch a new ten year study to discover if there is a direct link between cell phone users who play Candy Crush and diabetes.
Sushi the great American treat or a plot by the Japanese to avenge Nagasaki? After reading this story you decide. A Fresno, California man recently found himself in the University of California at San Francisco Hospital with severe stomach cramps and bloody diarrhea. Apparently while engaged in a colon emptying session in the privacy of his own bathroom an alien entity also escaped his derriere. At first the sick man thought it might be an alien but he went to the emergency room and showed the doctor what he had found. It turned out it was a five and a half-foot long tape worm. YIKES!!! After answering several questions the doctor found out his patient had been consuming raw fish for an extended period of time because he liked sushi and thought it was healthy. He was given medication to kill any other possible worms since they do like to reproduce and live in colonies. The doctor also strongly recommended that his patient change his diet. I may never eat fish again raw or cooked.
Now my wife loves Nutella. Nutella recently caused food riots in France when the tasty treat was put on sale by French supermarkets. Recently in Southern Germany a truck carrying 22 tons of Nutella was stolen and after a police chase the truck was abandoned by the French border. The thief/driver was nowhere to be found. My take on this heist is a Frenchmen wanted to impress his mistress with this sweet treat to let her know that he loved her enough to go to prison for her. It’s a theory and until the thief is caught no-one will know the true story. Nutella, what a treat, women fight over it in supermarkets and thieves steal it in quantity. Forget buying gold as an investment I am going to buy all the Nutella I can lay my hands on.
Michael Ryder of Saugatuck, Michigan received a letter recently stating that he had been approved for unemployment benefits totaling $360 dollars per week. Good news right? Well maybe or maybe not. Michael Ryder happens to be a dog who was a greeter at a restaurant. After losing his job his name somehow managed to find its way into the Michigan State unemployment benefits system. Ryder’s owner whose name is Michael got a laugh out of the letter and reported the error. Ryder will therefore receive no benefits but if he ever finds himself homeless I guess he can rest easy because the state of Michigan will lend him a hand.
As always all of these stories have some basis in truth. They contain some facts, some fiction and a lot of whimsy.